My labor started slowly but painfully on Feb. 22nd 2 nights before my daughter arrived, it was one contraction every 20 mins but they hurt enough to be quite distracting. the pain was primarily in my back. we would discover later that my daughter was posterior, facing my left side, which was the cause of the sharp back labor. This was all just early labor and not at all unbearable but uncomfortable. I barley slept that night it was mostly just tossing and turning with interruptions every 20 mins with shooting back pain. the next day the contractions continued and grew more intense as the day went on, I wasn't able to do much in my discomfort, I tried to shower but didn't like standing in the slippery shower, I practiced various positions to cope with the contractions, and focused on breathing through each one (I later realized I was not doing it correctly) But all the while we knew it wasn't quite time yet. That night was like torture, every contraction was like knives in my back. they grew closer together, NO position was helping. I tried soaking in the tub, but our tub was to small and being constricted like that made things worse. as a matter of fact EVERYTHING made it worse. My husband was there the whole time, he never slept either, the poor man felt utterly helpless while watching me struggle to cope. He tried to help but as I said nothing was really working. finally by 2am my contractions were 5mins apart for over an hour, and very intense, I could not talk, walk or even stand during them. So we grabbed our stuff and headed to the hospital, we arrived about 2:30am on Februardy 24th. we checked in and I was checked for dilation, 2.5cm...I was 2cm 3days before this. I was told I wasn't in active labor, I asked her what constitutes "active labor" she told me contractions 5 mins or less apart consistently for over and hour, that I won't be able to sleep, talk or walk through......"Um yeah lady, that's why I'm here!!!" She called my doctor for direction on what he wanted to do. He prescribed a shot of morphine to help me sleep until the "real labor" hit. so she gave me a shot in the behind and 20mins later I was discharged, I asked her when the morphine would kick in, I didn't feel the slightest bit different. she told me it would kick in any minute I asked how I would know when to come back. she told me if I was in true labor the morphine wouldn't help, I would wake up during contractions. so off we went and I must tell you the truth that shot didn't so a darn thing. it didn't even take the edge off! I went home and continued having contractions every 5 mins. I called my mom, she tried to coach me through some contractions. I was trying so hard to focus and breath and sway through my contractions, but the moment I felt the knives in my back I could hardly breath. at 8am my doctors office opened and I called, the receptionist had me come down first thing. as I told Billy " I want him to look me in the eyes and see the pain I'm in and tell me I'm not in 'real labor' there is no denying this is real". So in we went, he checked me for dilation, still a 2.5cm stretching to a 3cm. I thought this was crazy! 6.5hrs of contractions 5 mins apart and barely half a cm?! he asked if I had slept I told him the morphine did nothing, he prescribed some more pain killers to "take the edge off" assured me Id feel better and be able to nap, and sent us home, but assured us it would be today. so back home we went, it took 1hr for the pharmacy to prepare my prescription, Billy went and picked it up while I writhed in pain at home. I so desperately wanted a natural birth. actually I had wanted a water birth at home, but there were no midwives close enough in our area. So with a shot in my bum and a pill in my hand I was already slowly loosing grasp of the birth I wanted. but the knives in my back, oh the sharp shooting pain, the two nights of sleep I couldn't go on like this, but I figure as long as I didn't get the epidural I hadn't truly given in. I was growing physically weak, I was so vulnerable. So I labored at home for several more hours, the pills did NOTHING to lessen the pain. I must interject here that I rarely even take ibuprofen for headaches, my body is not conditioned to pain killers so they really should have helped, but they didn't. Finally I told Billy we should go in again, it was getting more intense and now my contractions were bouncing from 3-5mins apart lasting 1.5 mins long. so we jumped in the car and were re-admitted at 2:30pm yep 12hrs later, I was checked for dilation I was sure I had made good progress I was a (drumroll please...) 3-3.5cm I was shocked, I was disappointed. you mean to say that 1min long contractions every 5mins or less with intense back pain for the last 12hrs had only produced a measly .5-1cm.....oh boy! the nurse asked if I wanted an epidural, I said, no. she looked at me like I was a nut case for suffering like this. but I was clinging to quickly unraveling threads of my dream for a natural birth. I labored for a while, my grandpa came in to see my for a minute, he had never seen a woman in labor before, you know in his day Dads waited in the hall while mom labored. he looked at me with such concern, like he was sure I was dying. I saw fear in his eyes and tried to keep the moans and groans down and ooooh man did it hurt so much more to try and be silent. the nurse came in to check me at about 4:45pm 5.5-6cm! 2hrs and 2.5cm? woohoo!! I was so excited that I wouldn't be in labor forever! my doctor came by to see me 30 mins later, he checked again, yup a solid 6cm. now I had been asked about 3 times already if I wanted the epidural, and had refused. but when my doctor checked me, he pulled out an amniotic hook and said, we are going to go ahead and break your water now to speed things up. I didn't really object but I was so tired I didn't think clearly enough to refuse it. I mean that that things were moving they were really moving quick!!! what need is there to speed it up? Phoenix was doing great, steady strong little heart of hers could take all the intense squeezing! well the Doc. broke my water at about 5:20, and walked out of the room, the very next contraction hit me in the back like a bus! I looked at Billy and he could see it written all over my face, I had tried to be a trooper, but THIS was different, he asked if I wanted the epidural, (this is the only time he asked me, he knew I didn't want it but once my water had been broken, we both knew it was more than I could physically take) I nodded my head while groaning the nurse said she'd call the anesthesiologist. my contraction subsided and I stopped her and "said, no I don't want it" she asked if I was sure and instantly another contraction hit. I tried to cope, I felt like I was drowning in the pain. the contraction subsided but the back pain did not. the nurse asked once more if I would like the epidural. I said yes. it took another 20 mins for the anesthesiologist to arrive, he was rude, he was rough, he was in a hurry and didn't give a damn that I was in labor. I sat up on the edge of the bed, he began to place the needle against my skin and a contraction hit. "ma'am you need to hold still" I was groaning and suffering. the nurse told him I was having a contraction. Billy was holding me from the front. the man didn't care, he gave me the epidural anyway, I held as still as I could, the contraction, the back pain, the needle, the sense of failure, of giving in, of giving up....all topped of with a big spoonful of disrespect from a medical "professional". my contraction subsided just as he finished up with the epidural. I had asked that it be the most mild epidural he could give me, I didn't want to be totally out of control of my body. he showed me the button to strengthen it, I set is aside and never once touched it. I already gave in but I would go no further. So by now it was 6pm, the epidural did its job and I was free of the back pain. but grateful that I could still feel a gentle tightening in my tummy during my contractions. I took a nap for an hour. the most restful nap I could imagine, I woke up and couldn't control my legs they felt like they fell asleep, but I was keenly aware of my uterus, I could feel the squeeze building for contractions, I could sense it ever so faintly. I thank God so much for allowing me to feel that in spite of the epidural! anyhow it was now 7pm I had just finished a little nap and the doctor had just come back from dinner and checked me, 10cm! pushing time, they set up the room in a jiffy, my nurse came and held my right hand and Billy my left. She gave me a pushing pep-talk she was so sweet and motherly. she told me a "good one' was building and to breath deep and push. So I did, after about 30 mins of pushing contractions I noticed she was only having me push every third contraction, I felt one coming, I asked if it was ok if I pushed with it, she said, of course surprised I could feel it coming. I began to take a little more control back, pushing with the contractions I wanted to in addition to the ones I was instructed to. It was exhausting, Phoenix had barely crowned at about 7:45, I was tired, the doctor could see I was tired. he popped the suction on her head while I gave 2 more pushes. She was out up to her ears, he took the suction off and asked if i wanted to feel her head, I can still so vividly remember this moment, touching her THIS WAS REAL, THIS WAS HAPPENING, MY BABY WAS REALLY ABOUT TO BE HERE! it is magical to feel your baby partial entered into this world while still not fully born. I wouldn't trade that moment for anything. I would gladly suffer the bad parts of my labor all over again if it was the cost of that moment. I felt another contraction, she was so close, I had already pushed with all I had, but her head, her closeness, something in me arose. Lets just say it was motherhood. the true determination and love of a mother was born inside me in that moment I NEEDED to push her out and hold her! I found strength in her nearness, i gave one push with this new strength, and her head was out, and once more, she was IN MY ARMS!! 7:58 and on my chest screaming as loud as she could, her sweet scrunched up face, her fat wiggly body! 8lbs 2oz and 21in of perfection. i rubbed some of her vernix into her skin, Billy cut her cord, which was a bit comical, and took her to the other side of the room to be weighed, measured and bathed. And then my moment to pure joy was stopped dead in its tracks and fear, anxiety, and helplessness snuck in. My doctor told me I had torn, a 3rd degree laceration, ok, not to terrible, my mom tore pretty badly with some of her births and i kind of figured I would, although I had hoped not to. He wanted to quickly stich me up, so what did he do? yanked the umbilical cord, the placenta! I forgotten all about that, in the 10 mins since my baby's arrival my thoughts were 100% on her. He did not say anything to me before yanking it, he did not suggest I try an give a push to get it out. he just yanked it. I felt the tug in my uterus. it was strange, it felt wrong. It had torn, the placenta tore, the doctor told me it had torn, my heart dropped, I knew that this was serious, I new that if even a tiny piece remained in there that I could get a fatal infection. I was terrified, and then in order to retrieve the rest of the placenta he, without warning went after it with his gloved hand. pressing against the outside of my tummy with one hand scrapping the inside of my uterus with the other, I felt every single bit of it. I felt violated and alone, as this happened my husband bathed our sweet baby girl and basked in the pride of fatherhood. while I cried silent tears, as I do at this moment, as I do every time I think of this moment. because you see that moment scarred me deeply, I was violated in that moment. and when I think about it I can still physically feel the sensation of the placenta that nurtured my baby inside of me being tugged, being torn, the hand scooping broken pieces out of me. I still feel it all in a very real and vivid way. it has been two years since her birth. I have given birth to our son in that time (a beautiful and healing experience that I will share once I have time to sit and write it out). and yet I can still feel it, and I still cry. after he was certain it was all out, he stitched me up. as he did I nursed my baby and tried to ignore the tugs of the stiches. once he was finished he congratulated me, and left me to the care of my nurses. within an hour the nurses became concerned, I had lost and was loosing a dangerous amount of blood. the nurse made a comment about how red-heads always bleed more. but I heard whispers about having a blood transfusion ready "just in case". I was so stressed about the bleeding, I was stumbling through attempts to nurse my baby girl. she took to it quite well, she was a natural, but I was very clearly inexperienced. She went down for her hearing test and blood work, while I took a nap. when she was returned to me I was advised she had also received her Hep B shot... I had already told her Doctor I did NOT want her to receive it. the nurses did not know, and said it was standard procedure, I let it go at the time, but not in my heart. The next morning after a fairly sleepless night with a newborn who was quiet the crier, I was awakened by a nurse standing next to my bed with a shot in her hands, I had barley rubbed my eye when she said, "here's your shot" an placed it to my arm as I said "what shot?" she replied "pertussis, ya know whooping cough, there is an outbreak so all the new moms get a booster" and just like that I was given a vaccine i did not want, but it was to late so I let it go...but not in my heart. I don't remember much of my 48hrs in the hospital after the birth of my daughter other than trying to sleep, hardly being able to walk to the bathroom or sit down. attempting to soothe my baby, struggling and succeeding to breastfeed. but I remember the night she was born, she gave her first smile, while her daddy held her, I even got a picture of it. and I remember nursing and dozing off and then opening my eyes to see my doctor sitting in a chair at the end of my bed writing in a chart, he had come by to check on me or something, but all I remember is anger, I was angry that he was in the room while I shared a tender bonding moment with my daughter. her smiled at me when I looked up, obviously he meant well, but I did not smile, I was angry that he smiled at me, how dare he have the audacity to smile at me after what had transpired, the trauma inflicted on me. I'm still struggling to forgive, after all he doesn't even know the torment he cause, he and the other hospital staff do not know that their words their looks, their "we know best" attitude damaged me, crippled my confidence in my ability to be a mother after all the messages I was sent were "you can't do this, you need something to save you from the pain" "you aren't doing this fast enough/well enough we are going to speed it up" "you aren't worth being consulted in the care of your daughter, or even yourself" "you aren't worth of pushing out your own placenta" "you don't deserve to be sad about not getting the birth you wanted because you had a healthy baby" "the schedule and preferences of the medical staff are more important than your wellbeing" "you don't know what your doing and are not qualified to care for your daughter"
These are the lies that snuck in during one of the most vulnerable days of my life, my daughter was very colicky for the first 6 months of her life, my inability to soothe her solidified my crippling belief that I could not handle being a mother. I bare physical, emotional and psychological scars from that day. I battle these lies daily, I struggle against bitterness, anger, and disappointment every single day!
I do battle against lies that I am an unfit mother constantly. and many times I loose, many times I must confess I give in to despair, I throw my hands in the air and say "someone get me a spiritual epidural, I cant do this" (I have to pause here to say I hold NO JUDGEMENT on mothers who get epidurals, if that is what you want I support you as a mother to make your own decision.) for me I did not want one and consenting to it signified defeat, and sometimes I walk in defeat more often than I should and then I feel guilty and robbed of joy. you see birth is not always simple it is a journey that changes you. I am however happy to say there is HOPE for healing! there is a God who not only saves, He redeems!! and He is not finished with me yet, but He is faithful to complete work He has begun in me! He was there with me through it all, though I did not see. He saw my tears, He has held me in his hands as I shed tears of hurt, grievance, and anger. He has seen me fail, He has seen me succeed, He has lifted my head and given me rest, and He is healing my heart! It is okay that I am sad that my daughters birth didn't go the way I would have liked, it is alright to feel violated by the doctors actions. I don't have to apologize for those feelings. However I must choose to walk in truth and joy rather than lies and bitterness. I thank God for my smart, silly, beautiful, fiery, determined little girl. She truly is a blessing!!
